Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Day One

Today was the first counseling. I like the lady. I think. She seemed to do well for my husband. She valudated all his points. She understood me well. I felt good when we left. I cried only once when I was telling about how my kids think they are dirty. Well as soon as we got home my husband asked the kids when they had last had a bath and then called them disquisting looking right at me. Gee... could he make his point any clearer. Just go ahead and use the one thing that brought me to tears. So I bathed them. Told them they are to shower everynight now. I cleaned the bathrooms. I'm going to do the floors here in a minute. I know this won't work. I won't last. I'll never live up to his expectations. I learned a little about myself today. Not much though. I think my husband learned more about me thought. That's definately good.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Merry Christmas

Well today I told my husband to leave. I meant it at the time but now regret it. We both lost our tempers. He lost his first. I was having our oldest unload the dishwasher. He said he couldn't put away three dishes because they are to be put up too high. I said just put them somewhere for now to get them out of the dishwasher. Then my husband started cussing at him saying it was "fucking bullshit" and that he could reach them. I just stood there watching him go off. Then I said to my son that I was sorry for saying he could reach, obviously I was mistaken. Oh that just pissed my husband off more. So I went up stairs and slammed my door. Next thing I hear is my son running up the stairs screaming, "Leave me alone!" and my husband running after him. So I told him to leave him alone. Then he tells me how I'm not supporting him and backing him up. Was I suppose to start cussing at my son too telling him he can reach to put the dishes away???? How absurd! So then my husband says he wants a divorce. I lost it then and started to call him an asshole. He went downstairs and crushed the boys' gingerbread house they made. That's when I told him he needed to leave. He went to get dressed and broke my cd player while he was at it.
I've since packed up all the christmas stuff and took down the tree. Our Christmas is over. I've called his mom. She thinks he needs anger management and doens't understand how he has become this way. She told me to fly home if I need too.
I finally got up the courage to call this LifeWorks program. They are setting us up with a counselor. I don't have much faith in another human being fixing us. I hope it helps and doesn't make it worse. I cried again after leaving a message at the counselor's office.
I called my mom but she's busy with my sister. They are meeting with the CSD person about my sister loosing her daughter. (The state took her last Thursday.) So my mom is already busy with one crisis. I don't think I should bother her with my problems. I sure would like to tell her, cry to her.
I know my husband loves me. He's always trying to make me happy. I just don't understand why he started cussing at our son like that. How did it get so escalated? Does he want a divorce? Is he just saying it to control me? Would we be better then?
I put everything he bought me for Christmas back in his dresser. I'm feeling like I don't deserve any of those things anyways. He should just take them back.
I've been washing clothes too. So he can leave if he really wants to. My head hurts.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

December 16th, 2004

Christmas is almost here. I've been in such a good mood. I love Christmas. Well, until two days ago when my mother-in-law called. Seems she didn't understand that the family photos we gave her and her husband were for both of them. Now she's calling wondering what we are getting for my husband's dad for Christmas. Then she mentioned how all the expensive ornaments we gave them every year are hers. The woman doesn't have a clue. I often wonder where her manners are. I don't think she has a Christmas spirit.
I'm having a break down today. Or this week. I've been in tears too many times this week. Maybe I need to up my anti-depressants. I'm leaving for LA tomorrow to spend the weekend with my husband. I'd really rather just stay home - in bed. My kids don't want to go to my friends while I'm gone. My friend is going to have to drive to my house three times a day to check on my dog.
My oldest is really an ass. He's so anti-social. I don't know why I cover up for him. My friend, who is watching them, keeps asking if they are looking forward to coming to her house. I lie and say yes. I'm sure if I were honest she wouldn't take them. So this weekend in LA is just going to be stress. I'm going to worry about the kids and the dog.
Then to mention my husband who was just an ass on the phone to me. I really needed someone to talk to but he's had a bad week suddenly and can't help me. Now I wish I were a little girl still so I could cry to my mother. Not that I ever did when I was growing up. We weren't that close. I just could really use someone to talk to. I guess that's why I'm here.
Since I've lost my job I hear from my old friends/coworkers less and less. Which makes me angry at that bitch of a boss I had. I know I'm lonely and bored. I keep shopping to make that "happy" feeling. Of course, I know it doesn't work. I really have to stop spending money. I know I'm a classic case.
I've got a list of things to get done today. I need to pack and pack the kids and take something for this headache. I think I'll try to do a workout. I know that's suppose to relieve stress.